This too shall pass....

As many of you know, we recently lost a member of our family. One that stepped into our life very briefly but had an impact on us which is indescribable. I am finally to a point that I feel I can share this story with you all and not break down emotionally.


In early October I took a pregnancy test due to doctor's request to simply prove to her I was not pregnant. The result from that test would then send me into a whirlwind of emotions. It came back positive, so I took another, and another, and they were both positive as well. I called the doctor and she requested a blood test. I had that done and sure enough, I was 4 weeks pregnant. I was so excited, but also very stressed out. This meant buying a new car, moving into a bigger place, and spending a lot of money we hadn't planned on. But this baby was going to be a part of our family and I loved that child so much already, nothing else mattered. From the day I found out I was pregnant, something about it just didn't seem right. I went in for an ultrasound to rule out a possible ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound showed only a sac because I wasn't far enough a long to see my baby. Two weeks later I had another ultrasound that showed us our sweet little baby, and a heartbeat! A HEARTBEAT! Yay! I was overjoyed. After you see the heartbeat the chances of losing the baby are dramatically reduced. The heartbeat was so strong and I felt so relieved to have a strong, healthy baby growing. We told our family and they were all so excited. My first real appointment was on Halloween. I was having all the symptoms of pregnancy and feeling so sick I couldn't get out of bed most days. I went to my appointment and the doctor did an in-room ultrasound that had really bad picture quality. We saw the heartbeat for a split second and the shape of my baby really fast but then other things got in the way and we couldn't see my baby any longer. My doctor assured me this was normal and that I had nothing to worry about. Life was so good, I was constantly looking at baby clothes and other baby items. I was starting to figure out what maternity clothes I would need and couldn't wait to experience a pregnancy again, but still, something felt off. My parents both told me that it didn't seem real and they just couldn't believe I was pregnant again, but they were each excited. Life was so bright and exciting.


Then November 10th my world started crashing down so unexpectedly and so quickly. I was suddenly spotting. Spotting can be normal in pregnancy (and I spotted with Ranen) but this didn't feel right. I knew something was seriously wrong with my baby or me. The next morning it had stopped but I still called my doctor. She wanted me to go in for an ultrasound just to be sure. Right before it was time for the ultrasound I started to bleed heavily. This was the worst of my nightmares becoming a reality very suddenly. I wasn't prepared for this at all. We got to the ultrasound and at first they couldn't see very clearly, then finally, we saw the sac which was suppose to be safely housing my healthy, strong baby. I won't go into detail, but you could tell that my baby had passed away. The second the ultrasound tech looked at me, with sad eyes, I knew. She said, "I'm going to be the barer of the worst news" and I burst into tears. She reassured me that this was not my fault, but I couldn't help feeling like it was. I was suppose to protect my baby, let nothing happen to him/her, and now he/she is gone.......The next few days were full of pain, emotional and physical, and disbelief. Knowing my body was giving birth to my baby was so hard because I knew I would never get to meet that sweet child. I soon came to the realization that everything happens for a reason and that this baby wouldn't have been healthy enough to survive, so it was better for him/her to let go before suffering in this world. This took some of the sting out of the situation, but it still hurt so bad. I will never have my little June Bug baby. But it happened for a reason, and I hope some day I can know that reason. I am so grateful I got the chance to be the mother to that sweet baby, even if it only was for 10 weeks.


I'm hugging Ranen a little tighter these days, and reminding those around me what a miracle each of their children are. This experience has made me stronger personally, my marriage stronger, and my love of my son stronger. Mother knows best, and I knew this little one wasn't okay. I will never forget my little angel baby. And I will never take Ranen or any future children for granted. 
*Thank you, sweet baby, for spending those few weeks with me, and allowing me to learn from you. I love you, forever!*


How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts.